Part of me doesn't know why I'm writing this blog, the other part doesn't know why its taken me so long to start writing. I don't really know where I fit in in the grand scheme of things. I have a longtime journal at livejournal, however the audience there is much different there. My thoughts are not welcome there for fear of alienating myself further from my online "friends" many of whom have stopped commenting and likely stopped reading in addition. My situation is uncomfortable, my feelings are awkward I'm sure... I am distasteful to others.

My situation is this - a former easily fertile person. Someone who was married in March 2006, decided on a whim in April 2006 to have a child and conceived said child in April 2006. He was born in January 2007 and is now a rambunctious 2 year old. In January 2008, I had my IUD removed, and we spent 5 months TTC #2. No luck, but my job opportunity of a lifetime came up, I jumped on it, went back on birth control for 4 months. Got settled after the move, got the itch again, went off birth control, and BAM pregnant. At my 9 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat and an 8.5 week fetus. I was in total shock. I was healthy! I had no history of this, I had no issues with the pregnancy. I had a D&C 2 days later.

At my 2 week follow up, I had a somewhat normal but depressing converation with my Dr. I wish I could think back exactly what was said, because it ended up being fairly important. Something about the pathology being a little off, but not concerning. "hydropic changes" Being in the medical field myself, I remember trying to decipher the words into understanding before she could explain. Blah blah, water influx, bloated cells, etc. It wasn't necessarily a cause of anything, it could have been a result of the "fetal demise". I really fucking hate that phrase BTW. That and spontaneous abortion. I was sent for lab draws to track my HCG every 2 weeks. "just one"... "oh your result is this.... just one more"..... I started arguing with the nurse who would call me. "This isn't normal!!! Something is wrong..." And she'd say all annoyed "the Dr is happy with your progress". Then why am I still registering pregnant over 2 months after my D&C?? I finally demanded to be seen, the evening before my appointment finally googling "hydropic abortus" and realizing I would be diagnosed with a molar pregnancy the next day.

The appointment rolls around ...I go in ready to battle (as I had been at my 2 week appointment when I'd fought for clotting / antibody testing). No battle, "I think its molar" she said. Uum - where was this news 7 weeks ago? "I'm referring you to an oncologist" FABULOUS. I am 27 years old and learning all about the possibilities of chemo and hair loss.