CD1 and some OK news

Much has transpired since my last post. We found out we were pregnant May 19th, and then I miscarried May 23. I had an appointment prior to the BFP to get established at a new Doc's office, which I had to change to an OB appointment, which was promptly changed back to a GYN appt after the MC. Funniest of all, I never made it to that appointment either. After the BFP, I had called and explained my medical history and situation to a nurse practitioner there who had ordered me some HCG quants. Like I mentioned, I basically miscarried before anything could come of it so I never made it in for the HCG quants. So I went afterwards to have my HCG tracked to 0 again like is recommended after a molar pregnancy. Surprisingly they were 28, 88, and 102 every 48 hrs which seemed to indicate that I had not miscarried, although at that point I knew there was nothing viable left. A person who should be 6 weeks pregnant should have an HCG somewhere in the 6,000 range, not 28. Two days after the 102, my #s were 91, and after that 69. The Dr determined they were dropping and I could switch to weekly labs. A week later it was 55, which caused her to refer me back to another oncologist to discuss my situation. This week it was 22, which is a much nicer drop. Today is also CD1 so I'm hoping that a few days of serious bleeding will bring me back to negative.

I don't know where this week's results put me. It would seem like its nothing molar related since my labs are dropping at a better rate, but nothing was ever confirmed, and here I am a month after a miscarriage and things have been lagging. My appt with the oncologist is next Monday, but I don't know if I should cancel it at this point or what. I have another draw Monday morning before the appt but it wouldn't be enough time for me to cancel upon getting the results.

I would like to be an 'obedient' patient, but at the same time I don't really see a reason to go back to the oncologist because she will tell me my labs are dropping OK now and that I should continue to wait to TTC. I am so sick of all the needles, the much anticipated results, and the useless visits to the oncologist at this point.

I had been waiting to decide a lot of things in my life based on what this week's results were. If they were high and I was likely going to need chemo or a D&C, I was trying to figure out a way to make my life meaningful, positive and exciting over a 6 month wait. Since they are low I am back on the "I will probably TTC this month even though my Dr would lecture me if she knew" bandwagon. It is really hard to pass up an entire cycle knowing that time is just ticking away. We started this journey 18 months ago, and my EDD for my first miscarriage (the partial molar) is coming up 2 weeks from today, 7/7/09, and I had really hoped and assumed that I would be pregnant by now. I was even hasty enough (back before I knew I had a molar that would consume 4 months of my life) to assume that I would be largely pregnant because it would just happen again immediately.

Part of me doesn't know why I'm writing this blog, the other part doesn't know why its taken me so long to start writing. I don't really know where I fit in in the grand scheme of things. I have a longtime journal at livejournal, however the audience there is much different there. My thoughts are not welcome there for fear of alienating myself further from my online "friends" many of whom have stopped commenting and likely stopped reading in addition. My situation is uncomfortable, my feelings are awkward I'm sure... I am distasteful to others.

My situation is this - a former easily fertile person. Someone who was married in March 2006, decided on a whim in April 2006 to have a child and conceived said child in April 2006. He was born in January 2007 and is now a rambunctious 2 year old. In January 2008, I had my IUD removed, and we spent 5 months TTC #2. No luck, but my job opportunity of a lifetime came up, I jumped on it, went back on birth control for 4 months. Got settled after the move, got the itch again, went off birth control, and BAM pregnant. At my 9 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat and an 8.5 week fetus. I was in total shock. I was healthy! I had no history of this, I had no issues with the pregnancy. I had a D&C 2 days later.

At my 2 week follow up, I had a somewhat normal but depressing converation with my Dr. I wish I could think back exactly what was said, because it ended up being fairly important. Something about the pathology being a little off, but not concerning. "hydropic changes" Being in the medical field myself, I remember trying to decipher the words into understanding before she could explain. Blah blah, water influx, bloated cells, etc. It wasn't necessarily a cause of anything, it could have been a result of the "fetal demise". I really fucking hate that phrase BTW. That and spontaneous abortion. I was sent for lab draws to track my HCG every 2 weeks. "just one"... "oh your result is this.... just one more"..... I started arguing with the nurse who would call me. "This isn't normal!!! Something is wrong..." And she'd say all annoyed "the Dr is happy with your progress". Then why am I still registering pregnant over 2 months after my D&C?? I finally demanded to be seen, the evening before my appointment finally googling "hydropic abortus" and realizing I would be diagnosed with a molar pregnancy the next day.

The appointment rolls around ...I go in ready to battle (as I had been at my 2 week appointment when I'd fought for clotting / antibody testing). No battle, "I think its molar" she said. Uum - where was this news 7 weeks ago? "I'm referring you to an oncologist" FABULOUS. I am 27 years old and learning all about the possibilities of chemo and hair loss.